LEASEHOLDER PROSECUTION OFFICER
Homes for Islington is looking for a Leaseholder Prosecution Officer (LPO) to complete our team at Home Ownership Services.
Candidates are not required to have any relevant experience of leasehold matters. What we value is someone who can demonstrate they have the ability to produce ridiculous bills and keep a straight face while talking bollocks, possibly with a patronising smile followed by a mildly astonished look of resignation and regret when the leaseholder expresses dissent or becomes emotionally problematic.
The job would suit a psychopath. Indeed, because the job necessarily involves the issue of threats of eviction and bankruptcy to the elderly and infirm we would particularly value someone with a Scale 6 presentation of that personality disorder.
Terms and conditions of our StaffProud scheme are the usual ones that apply in the public sector. These are: an absolute minimal amount of work; opportunties for as many as 30 days a year on ” sickies”; a pension which you will not have earned; and post-traumatic counselling for those who feel just a smidgeon of guilt about the terms and conditions of their employment.
A crowbar comes with the job, as do ear plugs, sick notes, and a year’s supply of largactil, mogadon and Viagra (Pfizer’s special high-strength Alpha-plus variety with more sustain power).
HFI is currently negotiating with Cayman Island Enterprises for its staff to offer a virtual service to leaseholders. This would enable you to enjoy an all-year round placement at a holiday resort of your choice while a virtual you is “in harness” at our Highbury House offices.
Details are still to be agreed but under a PFI contract to be finalised with HMP Pentonville and HMP Holloway, staff could sub-contract their employment with HFI to these institutions and receive a commission on the transaction equivalent to 90% of their annual salary.
We would like to congratulate the former deputy chief executive of the London Borough of Islington, Mr Andy Jennings, for developing this project, the “Premium Skivers Initiative” (PSI), a new and exciting development of PFI.
Mr Jennings is a board director of Cayman Island Enterprises and is available for further innovatory consulatancy work of a lucrative financial nature using his expertise in offshore tax accounting learnt while employed as a housing officer collecting rents at the London Borough of Newham.
He would like to state that he is no longer associated with Mr Steve Hitchens, the former leader of Islington Council. It is Mr Jennings’ view that Mr Hitchens “deserved all he got” when he was booted out at the last local election. Furthermore, the short man with the less-than-hirsute skull believes that PFI was all “Steve’s fault”.
Mr Hitchens was unavailable for comment but his wife, the Baroness Sarah Ludford, said that as a member of the European parliament she was a specialist “quote artiste” who could say anything about anything in whatever situation provided she was quoted. “I talk bollocks,” she said.
The Baroness has been offered the LPO job.
Mr Brian Potter, Mr Richard Rosser, Mr Ed Fredenburgh and Mr David Stevens, applied for the job but were rejected. “They all talk perfect bollocks alright but the vital bit we were looking for in a candidate is someone who knows they’re talking bollocks,” Mr Eamonn McGoldrick, chief executive, adopting his look of medium-strength bemused concern, said. “We want someone who can do ‘known unknown’,” he added.
Mr Potter has started a protest demo outside Mr McGoldrick’s office and said he intends to take his grievance to the European Court and the United Nations. (He has, however, gone home to feed his gerbil and budgriegar and compose a new letter of bollocks, bombast and bluster to the Islington Tribune and arrange for his picture to be taken. He is practising a suitable pose of indignation in the mirror while listening to a selection of the Fuhrer’s Nurembourg ”durmungshang” rabble-rousing orations.).
Mr Rosser was offered, and accepted immediately, the offer of a completely meaningless unpaid job as a “bum on the seat” on the board of Homes for Islington. “When and where’s the next jolly?” he commented.
Mr Fredenburgh said he intends to start a revolution against the “imperialist oppressors” by which he meant Giorgio and Nana who run the “Workers’ Cafe” opposite the old Town Hall. But someone with an improbable christian name called Ms Shosh Morris picked him up by his testicles and started into a nightly rap heard every night by all residents of Milner Square: ”Unsex me here … make my paps leak acid … now stick your courage to the sticking place, you useless twerp”.
Mr Stevens said … Well no, he didn’t. We could take the piss but we know he’s a proper “geezer” who says what he thinks even if that means loyalty to his mates, which we share, is something to be valued above commonsense, which we don’t.
Homes for Islington – Working to Stuff Leaseholders
Written by Raymond Wilson
